Criticism in Relationships, HAH Sep'09

I visited the Home Away From Home meeting of the Koramangala Methodist Church today. The topic of discussion was “Criticism in Relationships”. Pastor Andrew Devanbu gave excellent insight into the topic with beautiful and strengthening references from the Bible. I came looking for answers for some situations that I was facing in my life and it was a truly fulfilling teaching and I am taking back some learning’s which I can apply in my life. This is another wonderful example of how the Word of God, has an answer to every problem that we are facing in our lives.

What is Criticism, Audience Perspective

When the audience was asked what they thought of criticism and how they would respond to criticism, almost all people responded from the point of view of being a victim of . I can summarize our responses as follows;

Criticism is repeatedly blaming a person, showing a person down, judging a person. Criticism is done from one’s perspective of looking at a person or a situation and gives out the message; “I’m right and you are wrong”. Criticism is also meted out when expectations are not met. The usual response to criticism is anger, de-motivation/depression, going defensive/offensive.

What is criticism?

Pastor Andrew Devanbu classifies criticism into 2 major categories;

1. Constructive Criticism [Something that we all completely missed] &
2. Destructive Criticism

Constructive Criticism arises from;
1. Interpreting,
2. Analyzing and
3. Investigating,
With the only intention of benefitting the person being criticized.

Destructive Criticism arises from;
1. Jealousy,
2. Insecurity,
3. Sarcasm and
4. Pessimism
With the only intention of venting out ire, and putting the person down. Neither does this help the situation nor does this help the person to be better.

And, remember, you can either be on the receiving end or the giving end of criticism.

Constructive Criticism, How To?

Constructive Criticism focuses only on the problem and not the person or the personality. It is intended to motivate the person and suggest room for improvement.

[PROBLEM] v/s PERSONALITY

Quote: Solve the Problem not the Personality

Abraham Lincoln said, “He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.”

This goes to say that if you criticize someone and they are hurt or if they are de-motivated then it will not be prudent on your part to raise your hands and say “That’s not my problem”. It will then be your responsibility to suggest alternatives/solutions.

A American Humorist said, “Criticism is effective when it sounds like praise”

We are blessed with the Word of God, not to have mediocre lives but to be excellent in whatever we do, and the Bible tells you how to lead a life of excellence.

Handling Criticism, Guidance from the Bible

So, what do we do when we are a victim of criticism? A simple 5 point step by step approach to handle criticism was discussed.
1. Don’t React
2. Evaluate
3. Clarify
4. Accept
5. Endure

Step 1: Don’t React
The biggest mistake anyone can make when criticized is to react immediately, try to defend, or worse still offend the other person. So, what do we do? Stay calm and move on to the next step.

Proverbs 12:16-19
Ecclesiastes 7:5

Step 2: Evaluate
It is very important to evaluate what is being said with a clam mind. Ask yourself questions like, is it constructive/destructive? Is that person trying to help me? If your conscience is clear you already know the answer. People who believe in Jesus are exempted from living a life of believing in lies, and are aware of their weaknesses and limitations.

1 Corinthians 4: 4-5

Step 3: Clarify
If you feel your conscience is clear and you have no fault, then clarify, give your reasons.

Acts 11

Step 4: Accept
There could be situations where you may actually be wrong. And with awareness of your weaknesses and limitations accept with humility.

By identifying and accepting the problem within yourself, you have already solved 80% of the problem.

1 Peter 4:14

Step 5: Endure
And, sometimes we will have to endure criticism, to help us improve and become better.

Quote: “When things are not going your way, Praise God!”

After Talks

Handling repeated criticism
Many thoughts were shared after Pastor Andrew concluded. One major question that came up was; what if the fault finding and blaming continues repeatedly. What if this person is someone who’s close and someone who we love, like a wife or husband, how do we handle the situation?

In such a situation, the first step would be to, not take the criticism personally. Even if the person who is criticizing is not doing so, take yourself out of the situation and look at the problem. Tell the person genuinely and try to understand the problem from his/her point of view. Be genuine, and ask questions like “What exactly is the problem?” / “I feel hurt when you say this”.

If this continues in spite of your efforts, and you know that its only being done with the intention of fault finding/blaming/making excuses, then you need to endure it, but in the Light of the Lord;
1. Keep a distance
2. Pray for the Person, because only our Lord God can change a mind
3. Never stop loving the person

Remember;
1. Our character is being sharpened by difficult situations
2. The hotter the furnace the better the Gold
3. And, in Christ we are more than conquerors

How to criticize?
Ashley gave a beautiful analogy of a Hamburger. If you want to criticize someone constructively in a way to help them out, then remember the Hamburger! If the juicy piece of meat in the center is the criticism piece, then remember that there are 2 soft buns one on top of meat and one below the meat. So, always start with a compliment, criticize and end with a compliment, simple ;)

Ending Quote: “If you want no criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing”

Meaning, if you are something in this world you will be on the receiving end of criticism. The principles discussed here will definitely help you to endure through it better. If you have to criticize someone then these teachings will tell you how just to do it right.

The Bible helps you get to World Class!

Gossip, Break free! HAH, Mar'10

Hey, do you know what’s going on with Jill? Listen; do you know where I saw Bozo and Lizzy? Hey just wait till you hear about my manager. Sounds familiar? How many times in a day do we engage or indulge ourselves in this kind of mindless talk? Is this helping us or is this indulgence becoming an addiction leading us to no good?

A layman’s perspective…

Let’s find out more reading the below transcript from the discussion that we had at the HAH Fellowship Meeting at KMC last Saturday (March 6th). The topics for discussion were thoughtfully classified as below, and what you will read is the conclusion of the discussion between various groups.

Why do we gossip?
We gossip because we are simply human. We want to make friends, we want to sound interesting, and we love attention. Sometimes we gossip just for fun or out of curiosity. And, sometimes to defame people we don’t like. Hmm, surprised??? But, that’s us.

What are the pros and cons of gossiping?
There can be no positives when it comes to gossip. However, a lot of negatives can be talked about. Information can get distorted as people start gossiping and really lack content or even meaning or truth by the time it reaches the beholders ears. Gossip could end up damaging relationships. It can even lead to people losing trust and confidence in you. It’s not hard to imagine that all this can happen, and I’m sure most of us have experienced these scenarios may times in our lives. And, talk about damage control after that!

What leads to gossip?
Gossip is nowadays a relieving stress-buster. People gossip to socialize and network. As human’s we have an inherent nature to tell/share stories, stories about ourselves about others. Gossip is also used to make a point and at times get noticed.

What kinds of information are exchanged when we gossip?
Gossip is usually sharing information about people whom we know directly or indirectly.

How do we respond to Gossip?
Confront, pray, ignore or avoid. Simple words, yet very powerful. Tell people who indulge in Gossip that it’s not right. Pray for them, for God to give them wisdom and understanding. Ignore, just keep doing your work. Or simply avoid them and don’t be part of that group.

In conclusion, all of this simply goes to show how much time we waste talking meaningless talk. Let’s not be victims to such mindlessness and what’s more God does not like this one single bit, as we discover in the forthcoming section.

From His Word, unto us!

What does the Bible have to say about Gossip? Ashley Chris brings us the Bible perspective.

1. Idle mind leads to gossip, leading to mindless talk that is done without thinking. Always think before you speak.

1 Timothy 5: 12-13
12Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. 13Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to.

2. Avoid people who talk too much.

Proverbs 20:19
19 A gossip betrays a confidence;
so avoid a man who talks too much.

3. A man who lacks understanding can talk about others for hours, betraying confidence.

Proverbs 11:12-13
12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. 13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

4. Come out of the situation, avoid people who gossip.

Proverbs 18:7-8
7 A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul. 8 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts.

5. Do not judge others with your words, or be prepared to be judged.

Matthew 7:1
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

Further Reading

Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Deuteronomy 13:14
14 then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly. And if it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done among you

Matthew 7:12
12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Proverbs 26 [Click to read passage]

March 6 HAH program

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