I visited the Home Away From Home meeting of the Koramangala Methodist Church today. The topic of discussion was “Criticism in Relationships”. Pastor Andrew Devanbu gave excellent insight into the topic with beautiful and strengthening references from the Bible. I came looking for answers for some situations that I was facing in my life and it was a truly fulfilling teaching and I am taking back some learning’s which I can apply in my life. This is another wonderful example of how the Word of God, has an answer to every problem that we are facing in our lives.
What is Criticism, Audience Perspective
When the audience was asked what they thought of criticism and how they would respond to criticism, almost all people responded from the point of view of being a victim of . I can summarize our responses as follows;
Criticism is repeatedly blaming a person, showing a person down, judging a person. Criticism is done from one’s perspective of looking at a person or a situation and gives out the message; “I’m right and you are wrong”. Criticism is also meted out when expectations are not met. The usual response to criticism is anger, de-motivation/depression, going defensive/offensive.
What is criticism?
Pastor Andrew Devanbu classifies criticism into 2 major categories;
1. Constructive Criticism [Something that we all completely missed] &
2. Destructive Criticism
Constructive Criticism arises from;
1. Interpreting,
2. Analyzing and
3. Investigating,
With the only intention of benefitting the person being criticized.
Destructive Criticism arises from;
1. Jealousy,
2. Insecurity,
3. Sarcasm and
4. Pessimism
With the only intention of venting out ire, and putting the person down. Neither does this help the situation nor does this help the person to be better.
And, remember, you can either be on the receiving end or the giving end of criticism.
Constructive Criticism, How To?
Constructive Criticism focuses only on the problem and not the person or the personality. It is intended to motivate the person and suggest room for improvement.
[PROBLEM] v/s PERSONALITY
Quote: Solve the Problem not the Personality
Abraham Lincoln said, “He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.”
This goes to say that if you criticize someone and they are hurt or if they are de-motivated then it will not be prudent on your part to raise your hands and say “That’s not my problem”. It will then be your responsibility to suggest alternatives/solutions.
A American Humorist said, “Criticism is effective when it sounds like praise”
We are blessed with the Word of God, not to have mediocre lives but to be excellent in whatever we do, and the Bible tells you how to lead a life of excellence.
Handling Criticism, Guidance from the Bible
So, what do we do when we are a victim of criticism? A simple 5 point step by step approach to handle criticism was discussed.
1. Don’t React
2. Evaluate
3. Clarify
4. Accept
5. Endure
Step 1: Don’t React
The biggest mistake anyone can make when criticized is to react immediately, try to defend, or worse still offend the other person. So, what do we do? Stay calm and move on to the next step.
Proverbs 12:16-19
Ecclesiastes 7:5
Step 2: Evaluate
It is very important to evaluate what is being said with a clam mind. Ask yourself questions like, is it constructive/destructive? Is that person trying to help me? If your conscience is clear you already know the answer. People who believe in Jesus are exempted from living a life of believing in lies, and are aware of their weaknesses and limitations.
1 Corinthians 4: 4-5
Step 3: Clarify
If you feel your conscience is clear and you have no fault, then clarify, give your reasons.
Acts 11
Step 4: Accept
There could be situations where you may actually be wrong. And with awareness of your weaknesses and limitations accept with humility.
By identifying and accepting the problem within yourself, you have already solved 80% of the problem.
1 Peter 4:14
Step 5: Endure
And, sometimes we will have to endure criticism, to help us improve and become better.
Quote: “When things are not going your way, Praise God!”
After Talks
Handling repeated criticism
Many thoughts were shared after Pastor Andrew concluded. One major question that came up was; what if the fault finding and blaming continues repeatedly. What if this person is someone who’s close and someone who we love, like a wife or husband, how do we handle the situation?
In such a situation, the first step would be to, not take the criticism personally. Even if the person who is criticizing is not doing so, take yourself out of the situation and look at the problem. Tell the person genuinely and try to understand the problem from his/her point of view. Be genuine, and ask questions like “What exactly is the problem?” / “I feel hurt when you say this”.
If this continues in spite of your efforts, and you know that its only being done with the intention of fault finding/blaming/making excuses, then you need to endure it, but in the Light of the Lord;
1. Keep a distance
2. Pray for the Person, because only our Lord God can change a mind
3. Never stop loving the person
Remember;
1. Our character is being sharpened by difficult situations
2. The hotter the furnace the better the Gold
3. And, in Christ we are more than conquerors
How to criticize?
Ashley gave a beautiful analogy of a Hamburger. If you want to criticize someone constructively in a way to help them out, then remember the Hamburger! If the juicy piece of meat in the center is the criticism piece, then remember that there are 2 soft buns one on top of meat and one below the meat. So, always start with a compliment, criticize and end with a compliment, simple ;)
Ending Quote: “If you want no criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing”
Meaning, if you are something in this world you will be on the receiving end of criticism. The principles discussed here will definitely help you to endure through it better. If you have to criticize someone then these teachings will tell you how just to do it right.
The Bible helps you get to World Class!
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